Sunday, October 16, 2005

Negotiating For My Kid's Brown Belts

Hatcher: “Hey, Mr. Myagi!”

Master Yang: “That’s Master Yang.”

Hatcher: “Myagi, Master Wang, whatever. Look, we need to talk. My kids have been taking karate now for some …”

Master Yang: “Tai Kwon Do.”

Hatcher: “God bless you.” (Offers a handkerchief). “Now, back to what I was saying, my kids have been taking karate now…”

Master Yang: “Youw kids not take kawate, they take Tai Kwon Do.”

Hatcher: “Well, whatever. The point is I’m paying good money these last five months and all I got to show for it is two lousy yellow belts. For the kind of coin you’re taking from me, we should at least be at brown belt by now. And look at that kid over there with the blue belt breaking the stack of bricks with his head. My kids are at least that good, you’re just not giving them a chance.”

Master Yang: “Tai Kwon Do take many yea to pefect. Many skill you need befowe get bown belt.”

Hatcher: “Well of course I understand that. But that’s part of the problem now, isn’t it? I mean, Myagi taught Ralph Macchio that one move where he is up on one leg with his arms flapping like a bird about an hour plus into a $5 movie. Here I am close to a thousand dollars light, and my kids just stare blankly at me when I get in that pose and say to them: “If done right, no can defend.” I want to know why you’re not following the teaching techniques of masters like Myagi?”

Master Yang: “Myagi not master teacher. Myagi short-oder cook for cwappy Milwaukee soda shop. You go there, you should know”

Hatcher: “OK, I see how you wanna play it. Making references to Happy Days now, calling me Richie Cunningham. That’s it, Myagi, you’ve gone too far. The only reason I signed these guys up for this crap is so that, in the event that I should be killed by the leader of a rogue karate school, my kids would already be close to fully prepared to avenge my death by wiping out the leader of that rogue karate school and all of his evil minions. Now put ‘em up, and I’ll show you how we kick it South Jersey style.”

Hatcher takes a swing, and the details from there are fairly blurry, but I’m pretty sure I took about five kicks to the head within the span of a second, with a bunch of loudly enunciated “Ahhs” coming out of Myagi.

Hatcher: “Oh, kicking like a girl, huh? You grunt like Monica Seles, you fairy. The bad news for you is that I just tired you out with the rope-a-dope strategy. Now give me a second, while I open up this can of whoop ass on ya.”

Hatcher lunges at Myagi, and the details from there are fairly blurry, but I’m pretty sure I did about 2 flips before landing flat on my back with Myagi standing above me with his fist right at my neck.

Hatcher: “Who do I make that check out to again?”

Master Yang: “That would be Master Yang, Cunningham.”


Blogger Incredible Dirigible said...

Then Fonzie came in & mopped the floor with Master Wang. Master Dong promptly passed out just as he was about to reveal the whereabouts of Richie's older brother Chuck.

6:30 PM  
Blogger Professor Vic said...

"My kids just stare blankly at me when I get in that pose and say to them: “If done right, no can defend.”" Simply a beautiful piece of writing.

6:38 AM  
Anonymous Jim O said...

I think that most of the faculty from your alma mater are, even now, reviewing the criteria for PhD in an effort to see if yours can be revoked.

Prof. Paul Bunyan: "Did you hear that Hatcher got his butt kicked when he mouthed off to his kids' marital arts teacher, eh?"

Prof. Leif Erickson: "Hatcher? Wasn't that the little skinny guy from Jersey? Red hair, looked like Richie Cunningham?"

PB: "Ya. You remember, runs real fast."

LE: "He mouthed off to a martial arts instructor? Sigh. I guess you can give those Jersey guys all the book-learning in the world, but you can't make 'em smart, eh?"

PB: "And apparently all that running doesn't help at all when someone's kicking you in the head."

LE: "Should we revoke his Doctorate? This can't be a good example of a distinguished alumnus. People might start to wonder about us."

PB: "Meh. A couple more incidents like this and he won't remember he's an alumnus anyway. I say let nature take its course."

LE: "He probably should have joined the varsity lumberjack team instead of running everywhere, if he's gonna go around insulting them karate dudes."

PB: "Ya. But he never listened to anyone anyway. He's from Jersey, ya know?"

LE: "Ya. Can't tell them guys anything."

PB: "Ya wanna get a cruller?"

LE: "Ya. That sounds nice."

7:30 AM  
Blogger pbryon said...

You're lucky it wasn't the day that they were teaching weaponry. Slicing red-heads from Oaklyn would dull a samurai sword in no time.

7:40 AM  
Anonymous the_giant said...

Next time your gotta take care of Master Wanger Oaklyn-style. Put on your longest Matrix-style jacket, load up on the saw-off's and semi's, and pop some caps in his kung-pow pigeon butt...

Just don't do it a block from the Oaklyn police station!

10:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When you were getting you ass kicked, did the karate guys lips move out of synch with what he was saying?

4:26 AM  
Blogger Erik Mann said...

Great Karate website. I just started one for my Karate school and your blog is an inspiration. Please let me know what you think of my schools website at:

11:01 PM  

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