A Letter Home

Dear ACLU Mom,

Boy, I have to say, Mom, that college isn’t providing me the opportunities I had hoped I’d have when I arrived. So far there has been nothing for me to protest; no issue where I could flaunt my comparative moral superiority. You don’t know how lucky you were to have Kent State back in your day.

I mean, there’s just not a lot of potential out there these days. So far this school year, there are only two places lucky enough to have serious problems of social justice rearing their ugly heads. I just got a letter from my friend Hank, a freshman at UVa, bragging about how he’s been wearing a ribbon around campus to combat the recent racial incidences that have plagued their campus. He got to go to some big rally on campus, and he helped out printing up fliers to post around campus saying “Stop Racial Terrorism.” I know it’s a stretch – using terrorism to describe a few racial slurs being yelled from a car and some graffiti – but it’s something.

I do worry about the hyperbole of using terrorism in this context, though, because it seems to lessen the real racial terrorism perpetrated by Bush against the people of Iraq, the pacifists in Guantanamo Bay, and via the purposeful breaching of the levy to flood the poorest neighborhood in New Orleans. I heard about that last one when Louis Farrakhan came to campus and gave a great speech, welcomed by a standing ovation from the crowd, including the entire English department. Despite the lack of a galvanizing social cause, I do like the freedom of speech and the free exchange of ideas that occurs on campus; and if a fascist like Ann Coulter ever comes to campus to try to threaten that freedom, you can bet I’ll be there with tomatoes in hand.

Anyway, even the UVa incidents aren’t all that great. Racial slurs being shouted from a car in a rural Southern town – is that the best we can do? Can you even trust that people heard these comments right given the Doppler effect (I learned about this in physics for poets – I wanted to take the real physics, but I know you think I should steer clear of mathematical formalism due to its oppressive effects on women and minorities)? Half of these incidents usually turn out to be hoaxes perpetrated by the victims, but I’d take it anyway over what I’ve got, which is a big zero.

The only other campus with any real social problem is Dartmouth, where some wacko Christian student gave a speech to the incoming freshmen, and referenced Jesus. I mean, who would think that someone who believes that religious malarkey could actually be smart enough to get into Dartmouth? Anyway, that truly does deserve the title “religious terrorism.” We had a long discussion about how wrong that speech was on so many levels in my mandatory “Understanding the Koran” class. I love that class.

Anyway, I don’t know if you can say anything to make me feel better. I guess I just expected more for the $30,000 tuition you are paying for my education. I mean, for $30K, I should have some issue that makes me feel like I am a really really caring and compassionate guy, more committed to social justice than people who go to lesser schools. Maybe you should write a letter with your next tuition check.

Thanks Mom! By the way, can you send me my allowance for the month in advance - $3000 doesn’t buy what it used to.

Love,

Sonny