Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Fall Festival

The twins are off to kindergarten today to celebrate “Fall Festival,” a multicultural event that does not involve any costumes. Dr. Hawes informs us that because many of the students in the school hail from foreign countries that do not celebrate Halloween, the school feels that is incumbent upon them to make sure that such students are never able to assimilate to American culture, as doing so might lead to them to becoming financially independent and therefore not receptive to living in a nanny state run by Democrats who would seek to keep them in a state of perpetual servitude to the Party. Well, that’s not what she actually said, but it is true nonetheless.

We got a good bit of Halloween cheer in on Saturday, and plan to do more tonight of course. There is a downside to Halloween though, as the following dietary woes make clear.

Joey’s Saturday diet:

Upon completion of the soccer game (2:30 pm): one Capri Sun juice box and a bag of goldfish crackers, and whatever else he managed to abscond due to the lax parenting skills exhibited by his father.

At the neighborhood Halloween parade (3:30 pm – 5:00): a lollipop, a bag of pretzels, a fistful of candy corns, a couple of Hershey kisses, and whatever else he managed to abscond due to the lax parenting skills exhibited by his father.

At the costume birthday party for Bill and Joe (6:30 pm – 8:30 pm): a half a dozen rice crispy bars rolled up as balls, coated with something white with an M&M in the middle to look like human eyes, a couple of large chocolate chip cookies, a juice box (perhaps 2), half of a large helping of ice cream, and whatever else he managed to abscond due to the lax parenting skills exhibited by both his parents. In a testament to his self-restraint, he did not eat all of the ice cream, and did not have a piece of his own cake.

At approximately 3:00 am in the morning: threw up three times in his bed, all over his sheets, pillow, pajamas, and brother. In a testament to his optimistic outlook, he says, and I quote: “It is a good thing I didn’t eat all of the ice cream. I only ate half and a I threw up 3 times. If I ate it all, I would have thrown up five times.”

I read once that they did an experiment with a group of 2 years olds (I think that was the age), and later tracked their comparative life outcomes some three or four decades later. The experiment went like this: the 2 year old is offered a chocolate chip cookie, which he can eat right away. But he is also instructed that if he chooses to wait fifteen minutes before eating the cookie, he can have 2 cookies. It is a test of whether the later ability or inability to defer gratification is observable at such an early age – those who ate the cookies without waiting the fifteen minutes were far more likely down the road to end up as vagrant petty criminals.

I never applied the test to my kids, because if they failed I’d have spent all my remaining time prepping them for a re-take. We’d be sitting at the table, with the twins 15 years old, and I’d be explaining to them all of the bad things that will happen beyond not getting the second cookie if they ate the first with haste. And it would be to no avail. Some things are just better left unknown.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Fall festival"? I would have been offended by Dr. Hawes suggestion. Halloween has its roots in Irish/Celtic tradition. The fact that Dr. Hawes does not allow your kids to celebrate in your culture's traditions seems wrong.

8:16 AM  
Blogger Pulvarizer said...

No Halloween costumes?!?!?! Now that's going way to far. Halloween is always one of the best times of year for any kid.

I can attest to a yougin's optimism while throwing up. I was vacationing with my family in Michigan this summer, and it was incredibly hot and humid. In an attempt to keep my nephew, now 3 1/2 years old, hydrated, I had him drink some milk. Not a good idea on his uncle's part. It was so hot and humid that he threw it up shortly thereafter, and some came out his nose. But he didn't complain, he just smiled and said "Coooool." The first time a little boy learns liquids can come out his nose, priceless.

9:50 AM  
Blogger Incredible Dirigible said...

Dr. Hatch--was your son's Human Torch costume influenced by the fact that Dad & some of his uncles have bright red hair? He didn't choose the Thing, Mr. Fantastic, Spider-Man, etc...

Imagine a horror movie called "Fall Festival", or "Fall Festival Part V: the Revenge of Michael Myers". Somehow doesn't have the same ring to it.

10:00 AM  
Anonymous Freddy Kruger said...

Don't make fun of Dr. Hawes' halloween views; after all she has a doctorate, and furthermore she is probably a vampire.

Nice that the Wife of Hatcher didn't become lax until she was swamped with running the party for her own twins -- undoubtedly all on her due to the lax parenting skills exhibited by their father.

Nice to know Joey can remain rational and in fact calculating while vomiting at 3 AM. This skill will come in quite handy in college.

10:05 AM  
Anonymous Jim O said...

Joe's college intake schedule (a jealous fantasy):

2:30 PM : Upon completion of Macroeconomics 101 (a requirement of his tuition insisted on by his father), Joe consumes 1 beer and one mixed drink involving Chartreuse

3:30 to 5:00 PM : "Dinner" constitutes 3 shots of Chartreuse, and another beer, to "get that taste out of my mouth"

6:30 PM to 8 AM : "The Running of the Santas" involves 10 shots of various liquors and liqueurs, interspersed with myriad beers and instances of throwing up on his brothers, thereby preparing him for a glorious and successful career in either politics or business.

All due to the lax parenting skills exhibited by his father, who is, of course, inordinately proud that his genetics got mixed in there somewhere.

I can only hope that my own offspring can similarly honor me.

10:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is your son hitting a one-hitter in the background? I can't believe that you lax parenting skills not only allowed your sons to consume vast amounts of processed crap but also to score weed and then hit it while being captured on film and outed to the world.

11:57 AM  
Blogger Hatcher said...

Too funny. Those are actually green plastic fangs, but in looking at the picture again, with his eyes squinting to keep the sun away from what could easily be attrributed to dilated eyes, I can see the confusion. It would also explain the appetite.

12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Halloween just isn't what it used to be. Can you believe I got into trouble last night because I gave the kinds comming to my door Chartreuse
shots. Those flipping liberals.

4:18 AM  

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