The Undecided Voter

The dreaded undecided voter, upon which all election outcomes these days depend! It could be worse, rather than having the leadership of the free world hanging in the balance on their decisions, we could instead be dining out with them and waiting for them to make a choice from the menu:

“Uhh, waiter, I am trying to decide between the roast duck and the filet mignon. Can you tell me which of the cooks in the back would be preparing the roast duck, and give me a brief understanding of his service to the country during Vietnam? And likewise for the filet mignon.”

“Sure. Chef Jean Queri, who will be preparing the roast duck, was a mess haul chef in the jungles of Vietnam, right there with the troops on the front line. Only problem was that he apparently inadvertently served diseased chicken before a major battle, which lead him to witness all sorts of gastro-intestinal war crimes perpetrated by the US troops. He later testified to what he witnessed in his protests against the war, leaving his own sordid role out of the testimony. If you go to the restaurant across the street, you can buy the book Unfit to Cook Chicken, written by the Vietnam Vets With Persistent Gastro-Intestinal Pain for Truth. The only reason he is a chef here is that he married the owner of the restaurant.”

“And the filet mignon will be prepared by the Halliburton Corporation.”

“No need to go on, waiter. I’ll have the filet mignon.”

At last something the Hatcher and his few highly involuntary liberal subscribers can agree upon – how can anyone possibly be undecided? Clearly, like me and Professor Vic or PBryon, they must regard one of the two likely election outcomes as Armageddon! Or do they know something we don’t, such as that our country has survived crappy presidents throughout our 230 year history? We survived Jimmy Carter, who proved that whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. If a Reagan only follows after a Carter, it makes it hard to know who to root for.

I, for one, like the undecided voter, if only for how idiotic campaigns become in trying to influence him, constantly guessing at what miniscule little issue will get said voter off of the couch and to the voting booth. Republicans and Democrats have very different strategies here, both before and at election day. Campaigns are clearly dictated by a form of Gresham’s Law, with the undecided (“bad”) voters driving out decided (“good”) voters in how priorities are set, though I hesitate to call those who are decided for Kerry as “good” voters.

Especially interesting is the election day strategies of the two parties. Democrats play offense, and head into select Indian reservations and city ghettoes with $10 bills at the ready, a 10 gallon jug of binoca blast, and a van for transport to the polls, under the absolutely correct theory that what the undecided voter truly wants is enough money to buy 3 liters of Mad Dog 20/20, and fresh breath. Republicans play defense – primarily by trying to confuse elderly voters outside of the polls and otherwise by putting up road blocks in minority communities.

But we have a new strategy this year made known to me by the reporting of an Air America radio host, who expressed her faith in the rumor that Republicans will be seeding clouds south of Florida to create another hurricane just in time for the election. It bums me out – because I already signed up to confuse the elderly, though I’d much rather seed the cloud – I can see myself now, like Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove, having to plummet to my death in the service of my country due to a faulty trap door. But then I think – wait, what would involuntary subscribers do without the blog?