A New Political Tradition

An old college roommate of mine, who nicknamed himself the Sedentary Melon contra my Flying Tomato, has asked that I comment on Cheney's attempted murder of his hunting partner. Well, maybe it wasn't attempted murder, but you wouldn't know it from the hysterical reaction of the White House press corps. They want to know when Bush knew about it, and why it took so long to tell the press about it. And they are huffing and puffing at poor Scott McLellan, who must be thinking what everyone else is thinking - who f$%&ing cares? There is concern among the press over whether White House protocol was followed by Cheney. So here is the scene.

Guy who got shot: "Ouch, you just shot me with your shot gun. I am bleeding from the neck and the head. I fell faint. I already have a heart condition. My wife begged me not to go hunting today because she had a vision of me dying. I am extremely allergic to shot gun pellets. Call 911 so I can at least have my life prolonged indefinitely by every imaginable medical machine in existence"

Cheney: "Of course, guy who got shot, but you must understand there are certain White House protocols I must follow. And if I don't alert the President right away that you've been shot, all of those really tough and smart reporters back in Washington D.C. will turn this into a scandal that will unravel the Bush presidency. In the meantime, hunting partner #2, cauterize his wounds with your Chartruese."

Hunting Partner #2: "No way. He can have a swig if he wants it, but I'm not wasting good Chartruese."

Cheney: "Fair enough, give him a swig, but give me one first. Does anybody have a cell phone? (Gets a cell phone from a Secret Service guy). Damn, I cannot remember his phone number and I left my Blackberry in the car."

Secret Service Guy: "Call 911, they'll know the number."

Guy who got shot: "I see a dark tunnel with a light at the end. I am heading towards the light."

Cheney, singing to himself the song "911 is a Joke" by Public Enemy, dials 911: "Hey, Dick Cheney here, VP of the US of A. I'm in a little bind here trying to follow White House protocol to alert the President immediately that I just shot my quail hunting partner."

Liberal 911 Operator: "You just shot your whale hunting partner?"

Cheney: "No, I said quail. As in birds. Not whales. Geez, if I was whale hunting, I'd really be hearing it from the press corps."

Liberal 911 Operator, in a very hopeful tone: "Was it Scalia?"

Cheney: "No, it was some guy you never heard of."

Liberal 911 Operator: "Well, where are you guys right now?"

Cheney: "The more important question is where is the POTUS right now. I got White House protocol to follow, and that takes precedent over our situation. You have to give me the POTUS phone number."

Liberal 911 Operator: "Sir, they don't give out the phone number of the POTUS to a 911 operator."

Cheney: "Public Enemy was right, 911 is a joke."

I think this could be the start of a great new political tradition, although personally I wish it started with the Clinton administration. If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, then surely the friend of my enemy is my enemy. Given the great political divide in this country, and the venomous hatred many who lack proper access to psychiatric care feel towards Cheney in particular, having him shoot one of his friends has to be the next best thing to him bringing calamity upon himself. In fact, the only rational explanation for the press being pissed off is that they didn't get to celebrate the shooting on Saturday night, and since Sunday is a school night, they couldn't properly celebrate when they did find out. True to their bipartisan and compassionate ways, I am beginning to think the event was planned by Bush and Cheney to provide a feeling of shedenfreude (joy in the misery of others) to those who, like I said, otherwise lack proper psychiatric care.

Every administration should have the VP sacrificially do great harm to a friend. It will be easy for the Republicans, because they are hunters. I don't know how the Democrats will do it - maybe pushing someone off of the stage at the Barbra Streisand concert - but I'm sure they could figure it out. Maybe the Dems can get behind this initiative with a show of good faith by having Gore inflict great harm upon Sidney Blumenthal. Not sure what protocol Gore has to follow these days, but if he scheduled the event around one of his bitter paranoid delusional speeches the press would be right there on the scene. And let's schedule the event for early Saturday morning, leaving time for a real celebration.