Tuesday, February 14, 2006

A New Political Tradition

An old college roommate of mine, who nicknamed himself the Sedentary Melon contra my Flying Tomato, has asked that I comment on Cheney's attempted murder of his hunting partner. Well, maybe it wasn't attempted murder, but you wouldn't know it from the hysterical reaction of the White House press corps. They want to know when Bush knew about it, and why it took so long to tell the press about it. And they are huffing and puffing at poor Scott McLellan, who must be thinking what everyone else is thinking - who f$%&ing cares? There is concern among the press over whether White House protocol was followed by Cheney. So here is the scene.

Guy who got shot: "Ouch, you just shot me with your shot gun. I am bleeding from the neck and the head. I fell faint. I already have a heart condition. My wife begged me not to go hunting today because she had a vision of me dying. I am extremely allergic to shot gun pellets. Call 911 so I can at least have my life prolonged indefinitely by every imaginable medical machine in existence"

Cheney: "Of course, guy who got shot, but you must understand there are certain White House protocols I must follow. And if I don't alert the President right away that you've been shot, all of those really tough and smart reporters back in Washington D.C. will turn this into a scandal that will unravel the Bush presidency. In the meantime, hunting partner #2, cauterize his wounds with your Chartruese."

Hunting Partner #2: "No way. He can have a swig if he wants it, but I'm not wasting good Chartruese."

Cheney: "Fair enough, give him a swig, but give me one first. Does anybody have a cell phone? (Gets a cell phone from a Secret Service guy). Damn, I cannot remember his phone number and I left my Blackberry in the car."

Secret Service Guy: "Call 911, they'll know the number."

Guy who got shot: "I see a dark tunnel with a light at the end. I am heading towards the light."

Cheney, singing to himself the song "911 is a Joke" by Public Enemy, dials 911: "Hey, Dick Cheney here, VP of the US of A. I'm in a little bind here trying to follow White House protocol to alert the President immediately that I just shot my quail hunting partner."

Liberal 911 Operator: "You just shot your whale hunting partner?"

Cheney: "No, I said quail. As in birds. Not whales. Geez, if I was whale hunting, I'd really be hearing it from the press corps."

Liberal 911 Operator, in a very hopeful tone: "Was it Scalia?"

Cheney: "No, it was some guy you never heard of."

Liberal 911 Operator: "Well, where are you guys right now?"

Cheney: "The more important question is where is the POTUS right now. I got White House protocol to follow, and that takes precedent over our situation. You have to give me the POTUS phone number."

Liberal 911 Operator: "Sir, they don't give out the phone number of the POTUS to a 911 operator."

Cheney: "Public Enemy was right, 911 is a joke."

I think this could be the start of a great new political tradition, although personally I wish it started with the Clinton administration. If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, then surely the friend of my enemy is my enemy. Given the great political divide in this country, and the venomous hatred many who lack proper access to psychiatric care feel towards Cheney in particular, having him shoot one of his friends has to be the next best thing to him bringing calamity upon himself. In fact, the only rational explanation for the press being pissed off is that they didn't get to celebrate the shooting on Saturday night, and since Sunday is a school night, they couldn't properly celebrate when they did find out. True to their bipartisan and compassionate ways, I am beginning to think the event was planned by Bush and Cheney to provide a feeling of shedenfreude (joy in the misery of others) to those who, like I said, otherwise lack proper psychiatric care.

Every administration should have the VP sacrificially do great harm to a friend. It will be easy for the Republicans, because they are hunters. I don't know how the Democrats will do it - maybe pushing someone off of the stage at the Barbra Streisand concert - but I'm sure they could figure it out. Maybe the Dems can get behind this initiative with a show of good faith by having Gore inflict great harm upon Sidney Blumenthal. Not sure what protocol Gore has to follow these days, but if he scheduled the event around one of his bitter paranoid delusional speeches the press would be right there on the scene. And let's schedule the event for early Saturday morning, leaving time for a real celebration.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

The press corps really showed bias on this one. I can't possibly see anything the Bush White House could have done wrong. The press corps will try to turn anything into a scandal with this administration.

On a side note, ond men should not handle firearms. Better they stay home with a tall Chartreuse cocktail instead of going hunting.

4:29 AM  
Blogger Incredible Dirigible said...

Interesting that when Cheney accidently shoots another hunter who did not make his presence known, it's a lead story in the media.

But when Hillary injured a cop shortly after 9/11 when her van blew thru a security checkpoint, the elite media is silent.




5:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Bush Crime Family is the most powerful family in the world. More powerful than the Vatican, the Royal Family, the Rothschilds, the Gettys and even the Colonel, before he went teets up.

5:57 AM  
Blogger pbryon said...

I'm sure Aaron Burr would concur with the Hatcher assessment. And I'm surprised that he didn't make the obvious link between Vince Foster and Al Gore. Another "hunting accident?"

6:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here is a collection of humor from today's Wall Street Journal about Cheney's accident.


"The Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS)
"Good news ladies and gentleman, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction … It's Dick Cheney."

* * *
"We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."

* * *
"Honestly, I don't know what all of the fuss is about. What's more American than shooting your hunting buddy in the ass?"

* * *
"The guy who got gunned down is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."

* * *
From "Cheney's Excuses," Monday night's Top 10 list: "I thought the guy was trying to go gay cowboy on me."

"The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central)
A partial transcript:

Jon Stewart: "Yes, as you've just heard, a near-tragedy over the weekend in south Texas. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt at a political supporter's ranch. Making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting VP since Alexander Hamilton.

"Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.

* * *
The other player in the drama? Ranch owner and eyewitness Katharine Armstrong.

Katharine Armstrong: "We were shooting a covey of quail. The vice president and two others got out of the car to walk up the covey."

Jon Stewart: "What kind of hunting story begins with getting out of your car? As I sighted the great beast before us, my shaking hands could barely engage the parking brake. Slowly, I turned off the A/C and silenced my sub-woofers…"

* * *
Katharine Armstrong: "A bird flushed. The vice president took aim at the bird and shot and unfortunately, Mr. Whittington was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty well."

Jon Stewart: "Peppered. There you have it. Harry Whittington, seasoned to within an inch of his life.

* * *
Jon Stewart: "I'm joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms mishap analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the vice president handling it?

Rob Corddry: "Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush.

"And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face."

Jon Stewart: "But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why would he still have shot him?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, in a post-9-11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak."

Jon Stewart: "That's horrible."

Rob Corddry: "Look, the mere fact that we're even talking about how the vice president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot farm-raised wingless quail-tards is letting the quail know 'how' we're hunting them. I'm sure right now those birds are laughing at us in that little 'covey' of theirs.

Jon Stewart: "I'm not sure birds can laugh, Rob."

Rob Corddry: "Well, whatever it is they do … coo .. they're cooing at us right now, Jon, because here we are talking openly about our plans to hunt them. Jig is up. Quails one, America zero.

Jon Stewart: "Okay, well, on a purely human level, is the vice president at least sorry?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, what difference does it make? The bullets are already in this man's face. Let's move forward across party lines as a people … to get him some sort of mask."

"Jimmy Kimmel Live" (ABC)
Among the jokes in consideration for Monday's telecast:

"It's part of the president's new Social Security plan. Once you hit 78, kablamo."

* * *
"Luckily, the guy he shot was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to the troops."

* * *
"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an old man in the face, 6 more weeks of winter."

"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" (NBC)
"Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear."

* * *
"When people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92%"

* * *
"After he shot the guy, he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?' "

* * *
"Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know that Dick Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him?"

* * *
"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton."

6:03 AM  
Blogger Professor Vic said...

I would actually like to take exception to the comments of the esteemed Incredible Dirigible.

His post sounds like there was a huge cover-up when Hillary herself, hopped up on Chartreuse, drove her van through a barricade and ran over a cop.

Following his link, it turns out that Hillary was riding in a car driven by a SS agent. The agent failed to stop at a checkpoint. A police officer injured himself banging on the the window of the car. The car then pulled over and cleared up the mistake. The SS thought they had preapproved access through chekcpoints. Not much of a scandal and certainly nothing that reflects on Hillary. She was nothing more than a passenger.

6:57 AM  
Blogger Professor Vic said...

The whole Cheney thing reminds me of another hunting accident case from Texas several years ago.

As it turns out, Texas Governor Rick Perry appointed an Enron executive to the Public Utilities Commission. According to columnist Molly Ivins, a person Hatch would refer to as a "pinko commie," on the guy's application form, it turns out that "while out hunting a few years earlier, the Enron guy accidentally shot a whooping crane. As a result he had to pay a $15,000... A state full of sympathetic hunters reacted with, "Hell, anybody could accidentally shoot a whooper." But the press stayed on the story and was able to report that the guy shot the whooper while on a goose hunt. Now the whooper is a large bird--runs up to five feet tall. The goose--short. Now we have a state full of hunters saying, "Hell, if this boy is too dumb to tell a whooper from a goose, maybe he shouldn't be regulatin' public utilities." He was forced to resign."

Sure, I realize accidents happen, but hell, if Cheney is too dumb to tell a lawyer from a quail, maybe he shouldn't be running the country.

And no, I don't think the one day delay in the White House releasing the story to the press constitutes a major scandal. It's so far down the list of White House scandals as to be almost completely irrelevant.

7:05 AM  
Anonymous Greg Hindsley said...

In a tribute to Public Enemy, here are some meanderings on the topic:

'How to Kill a Radio Consultant'...you mean, 'How to Kill an Old Lawyer'. This could be in the headlines in the next tabloids. Wow, what a weekend in Texas! Looks like the old VP got more than what he bargained for. Cheney would rather see 'Don't Believe the Hype' in the papers. But there's no doubt that instead of yelling 'Move!' to his hunting partner, Cheney gave a 'Megablast' to his face and neck. Perhaps Cheney could be heard saying 'You're Gonna Get Yours'? This shooting incident has proven to be 'Louder than a Bomb', and has rocked the media this week. Especially noteworthy is the delay in the White House response in revealing the incident. 'Can't Truss 'Em', many say, but what is the real crime here? Cheney's weapon 'Weighs a Ton', and the victim is lucky he's not saying 'Meet the G That Killed Me'. Instead, he's saying "I Ain't Mad at All', and all will be rosy I'm sure in the administration. The national media is having a field day with this, but it will fade soon. I'm sure "Brothers Gonna Work it Out', and if you don't believe me, there'll be 'More News at 11'.

9:15 AM  
Blogger Incredible Dirigible said...

Allow me to clarify, Professor Vic. I'm not saying Hillary's accident was a "scandal" that was actively covered up, & I'm not saying that SHE injured the cop.

But what I am saying is that my comparison provides evidence of a liberal slant in the media: if the incident is potentially embarrassing to Hillary, it gets downplayed or not reported at all. If the incident is potentially embarrassing to Cheney, it's an instant page one.

I have to admit, I did enjoy the collection of humor from today's WSJ about the incident.

10:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, when this guy dies - the Liberal Media has just announced he has suffered a small heart attack while in the hospital due to Cheney - do they prosecute the sitting VP for manslaughter or negligent homicide ?

1:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I for one am glad that the Veep shot the fat Republican lawyer, it will give me pause when I'm on my own hunting trips with fat Republican Lawyers.

It's almost like Pres Boosh gagged on the pretzel. Now when I'm chowing down a couple Rold Gold watching the ball game I make sure to chew 30 times and follow it up with a big gulp of PBR.

It's the little things....

1:10 PM  
Blogger pbryon said...

If the guy dies because of the birdshot in his heart, could it be involuntary manslaughter?

I'm actually serious about this...I'm no lawyer and don't know the definitions.

1:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a lawyer (although, one drunk on Chartreuse) if the guy dies, Cheney could be charged with negligent homicide. Then again, in the words of Garth in the cinema classic, "Wayne's World"; "Yeah, and winged monkeys could fly out of my butt."

1:40 PM  
Blogger Professor Vic said...

A fair enough response from Incredible Dirigible, and I appreciate the reply. However, I hope one can understand how I might take the line "when Hillary injured a cop shortly after 9/11" as implying that Hillary, herself, was responsible.

I would also like to warn whoever posted the item about "the Colonel," to be very careful about such comments lest the Colonel make you crave his chicken fortnightly.

4:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Today I decided to listen to Mr. God-Complex Billy Oreilly and he was complaining how much time and space the print media was dedicating to the incident, until an hour into the show some caller told him he was doing the same thing. I say shoot all the fat old Republican lawyer/ fundraisers and then go have a chicken or turkey or something with out little balls of lead embedded all over hell.
Mr. O agreed that the White House screwed this one up and we all know what a pinko he is.

Hatcher, I got a great story for you. A guy that comes into the bar owns a plane and has been offering me a ride for months now. Last Wednesday we went for a ride and were heading up into NH. The President was also in NH and we violated the restricted area and were intercepted by 2 F-15s and forced to land a local strip. The Police got there a couple minutes later, cuffed us for a bit and then we had to wait for the SS. We were on the front page of the local paper and page 2 of the Boston Globe. Man I had to bite my tongue cause I hate Bush.
The press got hold of the story within 15 minutes. At least I got one hell of a story to tell my regulars.
Hope all is well

5:52 PM  
Anonymous LIME said...

In a fair and balanced world.......

Dee Dee Myers:
It seems we need to announce a shooting accident... of course, we're about 6 months late in this revelation, but the POTUS has apparently shot an innocent blue dress. Although there appear to be no casualties, the POTUS is extremely sorry for the incident, and has expressed his heartfelt condolences to the party involved and to Gap, Inc.

David Gregory, NBC:
Dee Dee, are you saying that the president shot someone 6 months ago and you're just getting around to telling us now? Do you know who I am!!!

Dee Dee
Calm down David, as I said, there were no casualties per say, however, to crazy Catholics, there may have been a potential death toll in the hundreds of millions, but that's another story...

You can't tell me to calm down, you bitch. Do you know who I am...

Dee Dee

Shut up David

Helen Thomas, UPI
Dee Dee, did the president own the gun? What is the extent of the damage to the victim? I've fallen and I can't get up!

Yes, by all indications and DNA test results, it was the presidents gun. Do you think I'd be here right now if it wasn't for the damn DNA! The victim was apparently stained extensively on the right side. It appears that the president shoots to the left.

Sam Donaldson, ABC News
DD, did the president have all the proper permits to operate this weapon?

In this case yeah. However in the Kathleen Willey and Juanita Brodderick cases, I'm not so sure...but I digress.

George Snufulufugus, ABC

DD, did the president break any laws?

No, she was barely over 18.

Tim Russert, NBC

Is the president going to resign over this?

Hell no Tim. We're going to circle the wagons like never before! We're gonna call in every marker from the wacko feminists and get them to provide cover. You know, that's the only wacko left-wing group we haven't sold out in the last 5 years (sorry about that welfare reform, Jessie). Who was that ugly congresswoman from New York who said she gladly assist the POTUS in shooting his weapon again for all the support he's given to abortion?... Nita Lowey, yeah, We're going to use her and you guys like the slobbering dogs you are to run constant stories on how the president just wants to get back to doing the will of the American people, but the fascist republicans keep holding him down. You watch, Tim, I really think the POTUS approval ratings will go up along with the stock market! As Daffy Duck stated so eloquently, "Consequences, shmonsequences, as long as I'm rich" Nobody will care that we give nuclear secrets to the North Koreans, missile technology to the Chinese, or allow that pain in the ass skinny Saudi guy to stay in that tropical paradise of Afganistan. Who wants to go there anyway? He can't hurt us from there. It'll be great, you just watch.

Baba Wawa, ABC

Will the president continue to engage in these types of hunts?

That's the funniest question I've heard yet!!!

7:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Was it Scalia?" Now THAT was very funny.

The Jimmy Kimmel jokes were the funniest in the comments.

What is funniest of all is the footage of Cheney that they show while reporting that he shot a fellow hunter. Here's Dick, walking off the plane, smirking that half smile like crazy...you can almost hear him: "almost killed that poor old bastard! ha ha"

9:59 AM  

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