Live 2

Live 8 has inspired me to try to organize an event that raises awareness among certain banks that my debt burden is quite onerous, and that for the good of my children, they should forgive my debt. I already have the Hooters lined up to play, and am in negotiations with Robert Hazzard and the Heroes. Does anyone know if the Nerds still play at Fred's lounge (I need a back-up to put the pressure on Hazard)? (This makes 2 straight days of shameless pandering to my Philly readers!). I don't need to do 8 cities, because my debt is not due to the G-8, but instead to Regions Bank, my primary mortgage lender, and Wells Fargo, through which I have an equity line of credit.

I listened to about 5 minutes of Live 8 coverage on XM radio this past Saturday, enought to hear the actor Tim Robbins wax eloquently about the need for us capitalist exploiters to stop raping Africa of her natural resources and let her garner the riches of her land. Which would happen, of course, in between the genocides that occasionally take place. But that is a quibble, because the same arguments apply to my mortgage loans. I'm the one who cuts the lawn, dammit! I occasionally even weed whack. What do my banks do? Absolutely nada. They sit in their boardrooms smoking Cuban cigars, denying women and minorities promotions, and forward my mortgage checks straight into their country club dues where they go to sit in the card room smoking Cuban cigars, denying membership to minorities and morning tee times to women.

The bastards even granted me one of those interest only loans, which only encouraged me to borrow more, more, more! How many more Big Berthas do these guys need to fill their golf bags with! With my debt at its current level, I'll never be able to send my kids to a good college that will enable them to be smart enough to offer their labor services in high paying markets that require them to put in 60-70 hour weeks, which would in turn lead them to want to buy a small shack extremely close to the city for an exhorbitant sum of money, most of which would be borrowed, 'cause it shore aint gonna be inherited. And like me, they'll be cutting the lawn and weed whacking. If the banks know what's good for them, they'll back off. Otherwise I'll enlist the Hooters to repeatedly sing And We Danced outside the Region Bank HQ until they break.