Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Live 2

Live 8 has inspired me to try to organize an event that raises awareness among certain banks that my debt burden is quite onerous, and that for the good of my children, they should forgive my debt. I already have the Hooters lined up to play, and am in negotiations with Robert Hazzard and the Heroes. Does anyone know if the Nerds still play at Fred's lounge (I need a back-up to put the pressure on Hazard)? (This makes 2 straight days of shameless pandering to my Philly readers!). I don't need to do 8 cities, because my debt is not due to the G-8, but instead to Regions Bank, my primary mortgage lender, and Wells Fargo, through which I have an equity line of credit.

I listened to about 5 minutes of Live 8 coverage on XM radio this past Saturday, enought to hear the actor Tim Robbins wax eloquently about the need for us capitalist exploiters to stop raping Africa of her natural resources and let her garner the riches of her land. Which would happen, of course, in between the genocides that occasionally take place. But that is a quibble, because the same arguments apply to my mortgage loans. I'm the one who cuts the lawn, dammit! I occasionally even weed whack. What do my banks do? Absolutely nada. They sit in their boardrooms smoking Cuban cigars, denying women and minorities promotions, and forward my mortgage checks straight into their country club dues where they go to sit in the card room smoking Cuban cigars, denying membership to minorities and morning tee times to women.

The bastards even granted me one of those interest only loans, which only encouraged me to borrow more, more, more! How many more Big Berthas do these guys need to fill their golf bags with! With my debt at its current level, I'll never be able to send my kids to a good college that will enable them to be smart enough to offer their labor services in high paying markets that require them to put in 60-70 hour weeks, which would in turn lead them to want to buy a small shack extremely close to the city for an exhorbitant sum of money, most of which would be borrowed, 'cause it shore aint gonna be inherited. And like me, they'll be cutting the lawn and weed whacking. If the banks know what's good for them, they'll back off. Otherwise I'll enlist the Hooters to repeatedly sing And We Danced outside the Region Bank HQ until they break.


Anonymous the_giant said...

Tri-eggs may have some extra tickets and/or connections to get Marshall Crenshaw to play at Hatch-Ate if you like; guaranteed to get pack in the crowds at Camden County College and pay off your kids eventual bad debt.

Of course I think you should have the event at Who's On Third, and make evrryone wear Santa suits....

7:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is acutally the 20th anniversary of USA for Boz, a multinational effort to raise funds to raise my weight.

You can't have any concert without Secret Service.

7:37 AM  
Anonymous hansirr said...

Don't forget about the debt for your Suburban - not to mention an ongoing program to fund your overwhelming fuel costs.

8:07 AM  
Blogger Incredible Dirigible said...

If I play my guitar at Live 2, can I get a $12,000 gift bag like the rockers who cured world hunger on Saturday??

6:50 PM  
Anonymous Jim O said...

Your plan is inherently flawed - the management of Region Bank HQ are all huge fans of "And We Danced". You'll only be torturing the powerless peons and minor functionaries who toil away much like yourself. And you will be brought up on charges by Dick Durbin.

6:05 AM  
Blogger pbryon said...

Will we all have to fill out index cards with "Hooters" written on them to ensure that they'll play at your benefit, and not at another one?

10:47 AM  

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