Self-Phrenology

Phrenology, the science of determining intelligence and personality traits of an individual via examination of their heads, was once state of the art psychology. Now it is of course entirely debunked, but yesterday’s abandoned theory can always find an application on the internet. So what does the Face Analyzer have to say about the Hatcher?

By race, I am 61% Eastern European and 39% Anglo Saxon. Not even close, but my rather severe expression no doubt led to the impression that I am a vodka swilling commie, so I’ll give them a break on this.

My intelligence ranks 7 out of 10, characterized as very intelligent, but still a little on the low side if you ask me. I don’t know if this translates to 70th percentile, but if so, my SAT scores would have landed me at the Harvard of the Pine Berrins, and I wouldn’t have all of this free time to screw around because I’d be employed in a job that requires me to actually work.

My “gay factor” ranks 2 out of 10. Some might think this would be a binary ranking – you either are or you aren’t – but sexual identity is a much more complex phenomenon, involving the hormones you were exposed to en utero, genetics, viruses, same-sex parent relationship, and culture. Bottom line - if the right man were to meet me in prison, I might be singing show tunes all the live long day. So I am not upset with the 2, although my guess is that they increased me from a 1 based upon the red hair, under the assumption that I’d otherwise have limited options. (I did read in Freakonomics that guys with red hair who subscribe to internet dating services get something like 30 percent fewer responses than otherwise).

My promiscuity also ranked 2 out of 10, but I cannot say whether it is true in all male cases that this correlates perfectly with the gay factor. Though I suspect it might. A guy is usually as promiscuous as others allow him to be. Being married, of course, they got me all wrong, and my rating should be a zero. I think they were just being charitable here in the event that I was single, as single guys with red hair have extremely limited opportunities to display any promiscuity (see above).

My income was predicted to rank between $30,000 and $50,000. It did not specify the time period I was supposed to make this in, so I cannot definitively say that it is wrong. But this might be consistent with possibility that the intelligence ranking is roughly 70th percentile, and moreover the fact that they’ve understandably mistaken me for a vodka swilling commie, they might have assumed that I dedicate my time to lauding the wonders of the Cuba healthcare system, or otherwise organizing the proletarian revolt.

My celebrity match was Ben Stiller. Just goes to show the lengths I will go to contort my face in order to not have Ron Howard as my celebrity match. It took some 43 pictures to get me to Ben. It’s a great victory for the Hatcher.

My personality type is the Beta Artist, described below with my comments:

Beta Artist: Somewhat intelligent. Adopts styles like goth; styles that are unconventional and are intended to show their uniqueness. Expected Occupations: Social Worker, Chef, Music Producer, Theater Actor, Theater/Film Director, Physical Therapist,

That’s me, a goth who does Social Work by day, and is an actor in the theater by night. How is this consistent with the gay factor of 2?


Your main drive is to be admired by those with similar interests to you. Money and influence is not of your concern. You are interested and may be active in certain political movements which you consider to be moral.

See – they think I’m a commie.

You may act or dress in a unique way to reflect your eccentric personality. Your emotions fluctuate fairly often resulting in you going through incredible highs and devastating lows.

That’s me – a manic depressive goth.

You may enjoy using drugs to escape reality and explore different perspectives.

Who doesn’t?

You consider Boss type to be egotistical and selfish so you may only interact with them during your employment.

Clearly they don’t know I’m married. (Sorry honey, it's just a joke. Please don't punish me)

For the most part you do not interact with Academic types for you'd rather take it easy.

Cause academic types work soooo hard. (Actually, the ones I know do).

You may like certain Academics because of their knowledge of interesting subjects. You tend to avoid Charmers because they may attack you verbally. You consider Gambler types to be duplicitious loners. You do not interact with the White collar or Blue collar types, for you consider them to be slaves of conformity. You sympathize with Drifters. Other types' view of you You do not concern Boss types for they look down on you; they believe that you waste too much time. For the most part Academic types do not respect you, however there are some Artists that they give some credit to. Blue collar and White collar types think that you are unrealistic and immature. Charmer types see you as an attention seeker and are often the people who criticize you. Gambler types see you as a fool who has no focus on financial success. Drifter types may enjoy your relaxed personality; they believe they can relate to you.

Great, so I am apparently compatible with homeless people, but no others will give me the time of day.