Friday, March 11, 2005

Couric Uncovers Al Queda's Evil Strategy

This weekend marks the beginning of the twins’ baseball careers, with practices both Saturday and Sunday. The beginning of the season caught me off guard with the winter weather we’ve been suffering through. I had hoped to get a full two-week cycle of juice in their arms by now, but they’ll have to make do with just a couple of shots of roids. The only drawback is now I will have to shave them at bath time. They are each sporting a Jose Canseco circa 1988 mullet, a hairstyle that was inexplicably omitted from Canseco’s tell-all as one of the key factors to his early success in the game (just look at his numbers pre and post-mullet; at least his mullet should go to the Hall of Fame).

Myself, I am practicing the two crucial skills all little league parents must possess: 1) yelling at the volunteer umps; and 2) cornering the coach to complain about either: a) my kids’ playing time in the event that they aren’t any good; b) the playing time of kids who aren’t any good and the resultant jeopardizing of the win in the event that my kids are good. Belittling the players on the opposition is also under serious consideration.

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On the Today Show, I saw Katie Couric doing a story on something connected to a possible kidnap attempt of Russell Crowe. I don’t know the details, but she is interviewing these two different guys, and the discussion turns to a possible Al Queada connection, at which point the shrewd and intelligent Couric asks, and I am paraphrasing: “Do you think that Al Queada might be, or could, use a strategy of targeting our cultural icons for kidnapping as a way to destabilize our society?” After I got up off the floor, doubled over in laughter, the following 4 thoughts occurred to me:

1) The strategy could work, and here is how – their initial targets are successfully captured, and people get confused – is Al Queada in existence to bring jihad or to kidnap liberal commie actors? Each successive kidnapping gets more people thinking the latter, until one random kidnapping (maybe Streisand or Asner) convinces everyone it’s the latter. Then people join Al Queda en masse, quit their jobs, and spend their days in town hall meetings arguing over who should be targeted next;

2) Alternatively, the policy fails because the first few kidnapping victims wear down their captors by lavishing praise upon them, and boring them silly with non-stop talk about the crimes of Amerikkka. Live footage from the hostage scene eventually shows a bunch of guys in hoods pushing Michael Moore out the door, while he struggles with all of his weight to keep his foot in there so he can get back in. We then witness a reverse Stockholm syndrome (when a captive becomes sympathetic to the goals of the captors a la Patty Hearst), where the Al Queada kidnappers sever their ties with Al Queada and join the Republican Party;

3) Does Katie Couric wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say to herself: “another day as a cultural icon – let’s just hope nothing bad happens to me today, because that might destabilize my country”? Celebrities - has there ever existed a group of people who have as grossly overestimated their importance to society? Well, maybe the Kennedy family, but it is a close call. The only people who would be destabilized by a series of kidnappings of celebrities, but who would otherwise think nothing of a series of the same with everyday folks, are the celebrities themselves;

4) Why doesn’t Katie Couric perform stand-up comedy? She could stand up there with mic in hand and try to talk seriously about her world views. I’d pay to see it. Book her at the Improv!

2 Comments:

Blogger Incredible Dirigible said...

I think perky Katie's ultimate gem came prior to the capture of Saddam Hussein, when she was corresponding with a reporter in the Middle East & wondered aloud if Saddam had escaped "hopefully to Syria".

It was probably just a slip, but I wonder about the mindset behind the slip.

11:05 AM  
Anonymous hans irr said...

Perhaps Al Queada should target the 78th Annual Academy Awards - just imagine all those celebrity icons in one building!

At least the show would be worth watching.

5:56 AM  

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