First Grade Presidential Election

The picture to the left was taken by a Pulitzer prize winning Reuters photographer, so you know that it is authentic. That backboard is a bird killer. In an omen I thought would bode well for the Phillies this weekend, a cardinal flew right into the backboard and dropped dead to the ground. Billy went right out to taunt it - "Not in my house!" With a dead Cardinal in my driveway, I felt that at the very least, if the Phils wouldn't make the playoffs (a long shot at that point), at least mayber the Cardinals would choke the Central division lead and get the Phils off the schnide for the worst September collapse. The Cards tried by losing on Sunday, but so did the Astros. So now I am having trouble seeing the meaning in the death of the cardinal.

In reference to the picture, all I have to say is that you gotta love capitalism - it compensates for all of our genetic shortcomings. Can't dunk? Easy - we'll get you a hoop that can be adjusted anywhere from 7.5 feet to 10 feet. Think they have these in China? With the exception of the province that produced Yao Ming, they'd have to lower it to about 5 feet. Anyway, commies can't dunk, because hoops like this are just not in the five year plan.

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Turns out Neil Armstrong has been vindicated, as science has proven that his first words on the moon were indeed: "One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." For years people have thought that he left out the a, which is crucial to the sentence making sense. But sound technicians have determined that he said that word at a rate of 38 milliseconds, 10 times too fast to be audible.

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In Virginia there is a tight Senate race ongoing between Senator George Allen and former Republican Reagan admin member Jim Webb. So far as I can tell the main issue boils down to which of the two more frequently used the "N" word indiscretely when they were 20 years old, because of course knowing that is crucial to the ongoing war on terrorism and the other pressing issues. I am not sure who has fewer accusations at the moment, but in the end the other candidate can simply claim that his opponent used the "N" word just as frequently, but at a rate of 38 milliseconds, 10 times too fast to be audible.

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In other pressing and important elections, Billy Hatch is running for president of his class in first grade. Joe has opted not to run, because he wants to "root for my friends." When asked who he would vote for, Joe explained that it was a hard decision, because all of his friends are running - Owen, Jared, Jerry, and Billy. When asked point blank if he'd vote for Bill, he said: "Well, I don't really play with Billy that much at school," and left it at that. I am not exactly raising the Kennedy's - by the time Robert Kennedy was 6 years old, he was already arranging clandestine trysts for his brother with post-pubescent sixth graders, and establishing crucial ties to the mafia that would prove very helpful in the 1960 election. As for Bill, I'm not too worried - when I asked him what his campaign solgans and promises were - he was first caught off guard and just said he's going to tell his friends to vote for him. When I asked how he would convince them he was the right guy for the job, he smiled and said: "I'll give 'em free trading cards," (referring to Yu-Gi-Oh cards, which are some sort of Japanese conspiracy to posion the minds of young American boys). That's my boy! Intuitive understanding of politics at the age of 6! Except of course that strategy makes him a Democrat through and through.