A Thank You Letter from the IRS

Dear Hatcher,

At this time of year, we at the IRS like to extend our thanks to some of our taxpayers who go over and above the call of duty to generate tax revenues that the U.S. Congress can spend for the greater good.

We know that as a person with Ph.D., even with poor research abilities, you could have landed at some mediocre college where you could have gotten tenured in a couple of years, and then kicked up your heels and pursued various hobbies with gusto. Your time would have been your own, and we would have been powerless to make you pay as much taxes as you did this year, in years past, and hopefully in many more years to come. Sure, you could have told yourself that you are actually foregoing income in pursuit of a greater good, but in truth you’d only be marginal entertainment to college co-eds in between their drinking binges and hook-ups (unless you taught at Lehigh, where only drinking binges would apply).

Oh sure, I know that you might have spent your free time outside of the classroom in volunteer activities that serve your community, but truth to tell we’d prefer to have the tax dollars. That way our supervisors in Congress can spend the tax money and take all of the credit for the good works such money goes toward. OK, so we are stretching the truth again a little bit here, a lot of the money goes to fund wasteful public works projects named after Robert Byrd, but you get the point – our budget here at the IRS is dependent upon keeping these guys happy, and we couldn’t do it without you.

To us, your willingness to multiply your taxable income over the academic salary you would have otherwise earned in a relaxed college setting makes you an unsung hero. Sure, we know you take a beating from some of our guys in Congress, particularly the Democrats, who decry your greed and selfishness and claim that you are not paying your fair share. But we know deep down that you could be lecturing in an ivory tower right now, paying a smidgen of the taxes you currently pay. Most who have chosen that route also decry your selfishness, and given the off-chance that one of their students isn’t hung-over during the indoctrination hour, such rhetoric may help build some political support for higher taxes, but we’ll take the sure thing of you paying a multiple of their actual tax bill over the possibility that you could help us agitate for higher taxes. Heck, your tax bill could be divided by three, and you’d still be generating more revenue for us than them.

Now, we recognize that on your payroll taxes for Social Security, your taxable earnings are capped at an amount not too far above your average academic salary. But we here at the IRS do not take kindly to those that suggest that this mitigates your heroic efforts to fund our vast government. We admit we don’t get the same revenue boost from your decision here, but that’s not your fault, and at least we know you’ll die much sooner than you might have as a teacher given the comparative stress of your career, and that will serve to reduce our liability to you nicely. So you’ll do your part in the end, and it is never too early to thank you for that.

Some may also suggest that you’ve had a few too many children for our taste, but that is an extremely myopic view. We’ll willingly grant you some tax breaks now in exchange for the potential of having four little Hatchers out there thirty years hence following in your tax-generating shoes. It sure makes FDR’s little intergenerational Ponzi scheme we like to call Social Security run a lot smoother down the line and maybe even longer, provided of course that each little Hatcher goes forth and multuplies. (Silly Catholics, where would be with respect to Social Security without you?).

In closing, if there is anything that we can do for you to make your future interaction with government agencies somewhat smoother, well, I am afraid you are shit out of luck. Equality under the law, which is part of our constitutional order as you know, requires that you have to wait in line at the DMV just as long as the shiftless ne’er do wells who have nothing but time on their hands even if you are paying a gazillion more dollars in taxes. Ironic, isn’t it? Keep the checks coming in 2005!

Love,

The IRS