Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Father's Day Advice for Fathers Aspiring to Have a Son

I had a great father’s day weekend in Wisconsin. Played golf both days with my father-in-law in weather that was surprisingly good for Superior, which can have morning temperatures in the high 30s at this time of year if the wind is coming in off of Lake Superior. I flew back Monday, leaving wife and kids behind for 10 days. On Sunday night, while tucking the twins, I explain to them that I will be leaving very early the next morning because I have to go to work. Joey asks quizzically: “So you came hear for just three days to play golf with Papa?” Uh, er, that’s not all I did. Later in our brief conversation I say to them that I had fun playing with them this weekend, and again Joey, innocent as can be, says “I don’t remember you playing with us dad.” That’s cause your memory isn’t all that good at this age, Joe, which is a blatant lie, because he especially remembers everything.

We got Charlie baptized and purged of original sin. I was close to slipping the priest some more money to dip Jake again, ‘cause it doesn’t look like the first baptism took. But that’s a story for another day.

I know it’s a little late in the game for Father’s day advice, especially after your kids innocently point out you failings as a dad, but there is one area that the Hatcher often gets queried on where I can obviously provide great advice. Guys often ask me, Hatcher, how can I guarantee my next kid will be a boy? Who better than me to provide that advice. And the kicker is that I have sure-fire advice for them that has never failed. Here are the instructions, and it is important that they be followed to the letter.

First, if you already have kids, get rid of them for at least 24 hours – find a baby sitter you trust or relatives who live nearby. Conceiving a baby boy must begin with a romantic dinner, preferably in a spot that is new to your wife, but perhaps reminiscent of other romantic places you’ve been. Order red wine only. Meat is preferable to fish, although a fish appetizer can help, though it’s not necessary. Make the dinner conversation partly about the past – fond memories of when you met, your wedding, etc.; and partly about the future – the plans you share. Try to dine close to a safe park or river walk where you can take a romantic stroll after dinner. You don’t want to eat too heavy, so skip desert. Take her home, but arrange for a neighbor to alight your living room with many candles and set some Tony Bennett or some such music playing softly shortly before you arrive. A trail of rose pedals from the living room to the bedroom will also a nice touch. Dance with her slowly, cheek to cheek. Look deeply into her eyes, but don’t blow it with petty conversation. Lead her up to the bedroom, and slowly and seductively undress her, but leave your own clothes on.

Then, call me!

I have to confess I blatantly ripped this joke from a friend, but what joke isn’t blatantly ripped off from somewhere.


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