The Hatcher Gets Polled on Terri Schiavo

CNN Pollster: Yes, Hatcher, this is CNN, and we would like to get your input with respect to the following poll question: do you think that Terri Schiavo should be allowed to die?

Hatcher: Well, I’m glad that you asked that question, because everyone knows that opinion polls are extremely important in situations like these, as they provide a rigorous framework for posing the tough questions and gauging the opinions of ordinary Americans like myself. But truth to tell, I don’t much follow the case, what with the NCAA tournament in progress and all, but I think I know the broad strokes well enough to provide a truly informed opinion for your unbiased poll.

That said, I’d like to lay out my basic assumptions for you, which, if true, lead me to say in an unequivocal manner that it is best she be able to die peacefully and with dignity.

First, I assume she is terminally ill, right? And that she cannot breathe on her own. I mean, it’s not like she only has a problem eating or drinking through her mouth. It’s not like anyone is proposing that she be starved to death or anything barbaric like that, right? Surely a dignified death wouldn’t have her eyes popping out of her skull, her lips cracked from dehydration, and her face sunken like a victim of the Holocaust. Hell, we wouldn’t even do that to a death row inmate, so surely we wouldn’t do it to the weak and infirm. And she is totally unresponsive, right? She doesn’t recognize her family members at all. She doesn’t smile or get agitated or feel pain, right?

Second, I assume that her husband, who I understand is her legal guardian and pretty much has had his say in this case is a devoted husband who is truly seeking what is best for his wife. I mean, it’s not like the guy moved in with another woman and had a couple of children while refusing to divorce Terri. How could she die with “dignity” if that were the case – surely he would divorce her and let those who have stuck by her take over her care. He wouldn’t make a mockery of his marriage and then stand by the sanctity of marriage as the argument that provides him guardian status. And there is no way he would have discontinued treatments that she was progressing under, or fight her caregivers from treating a potentially fatal infection.

Third, clearly she wrote a living will, right? I mean, it’s not like she made some off-the- cuff statement while watching some crappy TV show that she wouldn’t want to live that way, and a court decided on that basis that she would prefer to starve to death, slowly across a two-week period. I mean, I know these shows tend to rip their stories from the headline, but what would the odds be that she was watching a show and made a comment like that in regard to a person with the exact same disabilities she suffers under now?

And I’m sure her husband ordered an MRI (or at least didn’t refuse to let her have one) as part of the assessment to determine if she was in a permanent vegetative state, rather than just relying on a CT scan, because every brain surgeon knows you can’t assess the brain damage accurately with only a CT scan. It’s not like they would have their primary expert witness to her vegetative state sign-off on the assessment without an MRI – maybe an expert witness who is a published proponent of euthanasia would do that. Surely even if that were the case a judge would take such testimony with a significant grain of salt, right?

So put me down as one who says she should be allowed to die, because I know that if any of the assumptions I made in my considerations weren’t true, I’d have seen it reported by such reputable and unbiased sources like CNN. And I know I can trust that assumption.

CNN Pollster: Thank you Hatcher for your time, we’ll put you down in the let her die with dignity column.

(Hatcher tunes in to the CNN news later that day)

CNN Anchor: And a new poll we conducted today shows that the majority of Americans think that Terri Schiavo should have her feeding tube disconnected …