Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Politically Incorrect Christmas Presents for Kids

At a loss for what to get your kids for Christmas and birthdays that will provide them lasting memories of enjoyment? I am not surprised, after a season of shopping, because all of the good toys have been taken away. Consider for a moment candy cigarrettes.

Here is a picture of a younger, tougher Hatcher, circa 1973. You had to be tough to wear a pair of pants like that. That is a candy fricken cigarette dangling from my mouth, and the Brady brothers stand in the middle proudly displaying their packs of candy menthols. My brother Mog is on the left flank, and it appears he hadn't yet taken up the habit. I look so damn tough in that picture I could have been the Marlboro Kid, with pictures of me used to advertise candy cigarrettes to toddlers all over the country. If you ask me, candy Marlboros were a great idea - what better way to introduce your kid to a life long habit of coolness? You surely can't let them share a smoke with you until they are least 10 years old, but that is no reason to entirely deny them the simulated pleasure.

I had an instinctive understanding at the time that the window for a red haired guy to look tough is a short one - it pretty much stretches from kindergarten to third grade. After that, no one will ever be intimidated by you. But during that time, redheads are the natural bullies - next time you see a kid show with a bully, I guarantee you he is a freckle-faced redhead, and a chubby one at that. I swear it is like a rule in Hollywood - redhead boy - bully; redhead man - nice, non-threatening guy, and it goes without saying that he doesn't get the girl.

But I digress. Try this experiment - buy your kid some candy cigarrettes, and go some place that is very public to let them smoke away. It should provide a lot of laughs. Except that it is probably impossible to get them these days. If your kid showed up at kindergarten with a Camel dangling from his lip, they'd probably expel him, but of course not before handing him a condom as they kick him out the door (anything else would be irresponsible). Actually, it is not impossible to get them - just go here. But if you want your kid to be the class pet rather than the scurge of the school, send him with some candy condoms instead.


Blogger pbryon said...

I was always a fan of the little bit of red at the end of the cigarettes that gave them that "burning look" street cred. Alas, it was probably the (once thought to be) cancer-causing FD&C Red #2.

For another fun trip down toy memory lane, visit here:

My personal favorite is the maze using liquid mercury.

8:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What are you doing with your right hand?

10:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know they still have candy smokes, but they call them some sanitized name like "candy sticks". Saw 'em in the Halloween take this year. They have no red tip at the end so you don't know which end to smoke. But I opened them up and gave it a shot.

Of course, this is NC, where tobacco is a way of life.

I always like the candy cigarette gum where you could blow out a puff of smoke before unravelling the gum.

**shinks away***

6:27 AM  

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